Running Sucks. The Alternative is Even Suckier.
I hereby declare myself something I always wanted to say but never was:
I. AM. A. RUNNER.
There, I said it.
Thank you, thank you (as my overcoming imposter syndrome self bows to an imaginary crowd screaming cheers for me). Thank you.
I’m making this claim for two reasons:
At the so very young age of 38.5 I have officially and meticulously tracked my running everyday for the past 2 years and have logged just shy of 2,000 miles (an average of 2.75 miles a day). Since that is probably about 80% of the running I’ve done in my entire life, it deserves a title (and took 9 full round the clock days to complete). Many skiers call themselves skiers for getting on the mountain once a year (myself included). So I’m taking this one.
I’m also making this claim publicly to ensure that if I ever stop being a runner, to read this to remind myself I NEED running. This is not a choice.
Running has given me a perspective on my previous non-running life that I am a bit ashamed to admit. You see, for maybe the better part of over 10 years, I can look back on my life and realize that my general happiness or unhappiness of how I felt at any given moment was in oscillation of external factors COMPLETELY outside of my control. This is a terrifying realization for me to see now and reflect on. If I can save anyone the 10 years of struggle to see this, then keep reading.
Life was generally good when I had fun adventures to look forward to. Whether exciting work projects, challenging charity projects, big outdoor adventure plans, travel with friends & family, and any other major life event. During the good times I enjoyed the immersive round the clock novelty of my experiences. It made me happy and carefree not having to think about my obligations and responsibilities. I just went on lost in the moment exploring the world around me and having a blast doing so.
Life was bad when I was broke, or working too many hours in a job I didn’t like. Working around the clock without knowing where or what was my limit. Not stopping to take care of myself and ensure I was aligned in my values. I recall working weeks or months going from work, to a car, to sitting on the couch. Back to a car, to get back to work, to get back to sitting on a couch.
Inevitably, perpetually, and powerlessly oscillating from one state to the other.
When I was immersed in having fun, traveling, creative pursuits and enjoying myself I was heading to the path of going broke. When I’d go broke, I would inevitably have to work long hours (often doing what I didn’t want to do) until I would arrive out of shape, unhappy, and unfulfilled. But hey, I’d have a few bucks in my pocket to go plan something fun to look forward to. The pursuit of happiness led to unhappiness. Being unhappy led me to happiness.
Ten years of external factors that decided my general happiness or unhappiness. And my inability to see I was my own worst enemy in this fruitless pursuit. Without self control or knowing my power, I was never happy or unhappy for my sake.
Then Covid hit. Somewhere between the isolation, the world falling apart, being in a terrible financial situation, and this societal norm that it was totally ok to just sit at home drinking seltzers (and happy hour zoom about it with all your friends) things got really dark for me.
Like really dark.
So I went running.
After 2 months I gave it up, remarking how good I felt. Ah, I cured myself of the depression I had felt I would declare!
But at the year’s end of being back to my original depressed state, I realized the happiest I was in 2020 was the 200 miles I ran during that spring.
So I took off and ran 500 miles in 5 months in 2021 before obviously declaring I had cured myself (for once and for all!).
When I had fallen back to my original depressed state, I remember remarking yet again how those were the best 5 months of my previous year.
Given my slow mental capacities and cognitive abilities (LOL), it wasn’t until 2022, that I committed to running 1,000 miles. A goal that would make me run 30 minutes a day for an entire year to complete. If it was those durations of time when I ran where I felt my best, then what if I just kept running and didn’t stop for an entire year?
And so I did. And it was glorious.
And now it’s 2023, and I’m doing the same.
So damn it, I am a runner now.
But to be honest, running kind of sucks. It is not something I necessarily want to do everyday. It comes with aches and pains. It takes a long time. But most importantly and honestly, it hasn’t solved any of my issues. It just puts a different perspective on my problems. It gives me the power to be a witness of my own life (even if just for a brief moment) and reminds me that my life is more than my issues.
On a typical run, it may take a while to settle into the rhythm of getting lost in the run. A euphoria often sets in. A slowing of time. I hear my breath and it feels ancient, primitive and raw. I see that good things are a blessing that can be gone tomorrow, and bad things are also part of life and must pass. I run on the bad days to regain my power. I run on good days to not get carried away with my ego and pride. Each day my run is a connection to the reminder that I am not dictated by external factors, nor my emotions to them. Running has given me a mindfulness to see that the good times or the bad times are equal impostures to distract me from my real truth: being connected to my life in the moment is deeper than feeling happy or sad about it.
Other times running just gives me suffering. And that’s ok too.
When I compare my life as a non-runner (who for a long time cleverly thought I could outrun suffering) and a runner (who feels more secure embracing suffering) I now understand one truth: to live is to suffer. As a non-runner, my suffering was a low grade anxiety that I always felt just humming along in the background at all times. As a runner, it’s mostly a 30-60 minute physical suffering followed by an absence or reduction of anxiety, and a natural calm. Often until my head hits the pillow that night. If I have to suffer, the choice is obvious how I will choose to suffer: Go for a run and get it over with.
And yes, admittedly running does get better over time (I hope this trend continues). Now that know how badly I need it each day. I awake looking forward to the opportunity I get to run outdoors, I get to make time to be aware of my surroundings, and to not think about my problems for a bit. I know that no matter how busy life feels, or what obligations I think I owe people, carving out that time for a run is the most important part of my day and values. I also cherish my planned (or unplanned) rest days knowing I need and deserve the down time with no regrets. And I am full of gratitude I have the health and ability to run. That too, can change in a moment.
As a runner I learned we are more than our reactions to the ebbs and flows of life. And for me to never forget this truth, I need to go run every day.
So yes, I’m a runner now! If I ever again think I have cured myself from needing to run. I better immediately reread this.